Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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