The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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