If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
