allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize