The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
