Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Never joke about your clitoris.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
