I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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