3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
