i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
a search helicopter?!
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
