Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
