i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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