No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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