You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
This is the high leading the old right now
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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