i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
