My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize