Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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