I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i wish my penis had a tongue
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I did not marry a roomba.
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