If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
