Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
