i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
