one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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