My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
