k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
