i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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