I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's blow job season.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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