quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize