mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
