i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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