She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
