i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
