Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
