Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
