That's intense
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
