he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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