you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
