I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
