We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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