I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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