Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
