NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
