You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
