i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
