you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
