youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
