He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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