the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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