I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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