I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
