The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
