Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
