please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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