You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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