So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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