Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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