EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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