I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
