i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
