everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You were trust falling into bushes
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
