Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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