I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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