I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
