There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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